Ah, the beautiful, euphoric feelings that strings with the idea of the perfect first date – the wonderful prospect of what could be the lifelong romance you’ve been waiting for or a utter disaster. If you’re like me, you’re just trying to get through dinner without spilling spaghetti sauce on your pretty white dress or accidentally making a pun joke (or five). But what about those subtle signs that scream, “Run (elegantly) while you still can!”? Here are some red flags to watch for on that crucial first date. Consider it your crash course in “How to Avoid a Relationship Dumpster Fire.”
The “Me, myself and I” Guy
Everyone’s got a perception of self and having a good self esteem is obviously a wonderful trait you want your well rounded future partner to have. There is nothing wrong with healthy confidence, but if your date spends more than 10 minutes explaining the intricate details of their soul, while you’re just trying to figure out the calorie count in your order, consider it a red flag. Like I said, confidence is good but you don’t want to date someone with a god-complex. Pull out the old “I think my cat is on fire” excuse and call it a day. Can I get a amen?
The “I’m looking for a rebound” Guy
Man I wish I didn’t have to learn this the hard way. Unfortunately, I did see every single red flag but this man was so damn delicious in the way he existed and it wasn’t long before I convinced myself that he will get over the loss of his previous relationship and we will live happily ever after. To my detriment, this clown sulked through almost our entire relationship with my undying love by his side. It’s one thing to bring up past relationships, but if your date is on a first-name basis with the barista serving your coffee because they spent months crying over their ex’s favorite caramel macchiato, it’s not a great sign. Run girl, run.
The “Professional Dater”
You know the type – they’re super charming and so well versed, every word dripping with sweet seductive honey, and you can’t shake the feeling that they’ve delivered that same line at least 50 times before. This guy is probably playing the hook up game OR he has a degree in flirting and the last time I checked neither of those are great attributes. Sexual banter can be fun if that’s what you’re into but I suggest if you notice that he is there to play the hook-up game, put your cards down and leave the table gracefully. You want to dine with a Gentleman, not a Casanova.
The “I’ll Have the Most Expensive Thing on the Menu” Individual
A first date is a time for impressions, not impressively high credit card bills. If your date orders the lobster, the filet mignon, the crème Brule and the most expensive bottle of wine, there’s a good chance they’re either incredibly fancy or they haven’t eaten in a decade. Either way, it’s probably not a great look. You’re interested in someone showcasing their fat heart, not their fat wallet.
The “I Don’t Have a Sense of Humor” Person
If you crack a joke and your date responds with a blank stare – or worse, a condescending lecture on why your puns are overrated – you might want to start re-evaluating your life choices girl. Laughter is the best medicine, and if they’re not buying what you’re selling, there’s a pharmacy full of other fish in the sea. Bye boy, bye.
The “Conspiracy Theorist”
I guess a little bit of skepticism can be healthy, but when your date starts explaining how the moon landing was staged by the illuminati , it’s time to grab your tinfoil hat and make a run for it. Bonus points if they try to convince you that you’re being watched by “the government” as you leave. PS: I just spilled my ginger tea laughing as I typed this. Why do guys find it necessary to convince everybody of their believes? I don’t even know if this classifies as a red flag BUT I can’t be spending my days with someone that tapes their phones camera. Who’s going to take the cute romantic selfies? Not me. Next.
The “Let’s Get Married Tomorrow” Romantic
While it’s lovely to find someone who’s obsessed with you, proposing marriage over appetizers is a bit much. I mean this guy doesn’t even know you have ADHD yet. If your date starts planning your future together before you’ve even finished your appetizer, it’s a solid red flag. You don’t need a proposal, just a second date, if he tells you you’re pretty. Maybe. Love bombing isn’t cute if you barely know the guy.
The “Oops got to go” girl
So, what do you do if you encounter a drop dead gorgeous human with these red flags? Simple: Marry him. Kidding! Finish the meal, thank him for his time, and walk away. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and you don’t have to settle for the ones with suspicious dorsal fins, so just keep swimming.
Remember, dating is supposed to be fun. If it’s not, there’s always Netflix and pizza at home. Happy dating love-bugs.
Moonbird x
